


Shit the Enterprise Crew Say

by Random_Writerings



Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies), Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: Crack, Fluff, Gen, Incorrect Quotes, Memes, Sulu's Twitter
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-03-02
Updated: 2021-03-02
Packaged: 2021-03-15 13:56:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 32
Words: 1,408
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29809452
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Random_Writerings/pseuds/Random_Writerings
Summary: Based on this post where Sulu anonymously runs a Twitter account called Shit the Enterprise Crew Say. Only Chekov knows it's him, but he would rather die than betray Sulu.https://pickles-christ.tumblr.com/post/161209989632/percychekov-sirdef-northwangerabbey
Kudos: 17





	1. Sassy Kirk

Bones: Are you out of your corn-fed mind?

  
Kirk: Bitch I might be.

  
#LiteralChildren #BonesIsGonnaKillTheCaptain #TiredOfKirksShit


	2. Flaws

Chekov: Meester Spock, you are so tall. What can you see?

  
Spock: Everyone's flaws.

  
#SassySpock #EnterpriseFlaws #IsSassAnEmotionalResponse


	3. History Lessons

Chekov: *about anything* did you know zat was inwented in Russia?

  
#OkPavel #RealRussianHistory


	4. Insults

Spock: *rambling*

Bones: Well according to _my_ calculations, you're a bitch.

Spock: Do you have any citations?

Bones: What?

Spock: I said, do you have any _fucking_ citations for that claim.

#SassySpock #SassyBones #DoTheyEverStopArguing #LiteralChildren #StarfleetsFinest


	5. Calm Down Scotty

Scotty: One day I'm just gonnae do it. I'm gonnae vanish into the Scottish highlands like god intended.

  
#OkDramaQueen #SendUsAPostcard


	6. Sheer Dumb Luck

Kirk: What the hell were you thinking!?

Scotty: “Fuck it” tends to be last thought running through my mind before making any final decisions

#YeahThatMakesSense #StarfleetsFinest #HowIsHeNotDead?


	7. Mind Your Business, Jim

Kirk: *weighs in on Uhura and Spock’s relationship*

Uhura: tricorder readings show that I literally Did Not Ask.

#FuckHimUpUhura #HesOnThinIceAndHeKnowsIt


	8. Bitter Bones

Bones: *bitterly, with a bitter expression* I'm not bitter.

#SouthernCharmMyAss #BonesIsVeryGrumpy #TiredOfKirksShit


	9. Drama Queen

Kirk: It is my god-given bisexual right to be dramatic.

#OkDramaQueen #WeSupportYou #ButPleaseChillOut


	10. Duct Tape

Spock: *inspecting the warp core* Mr Scott, what is that?

Scotty: A Scotty-Approved-Modification, sir.

Kirk: Is that duct tape?

Scotty: Hey, whatever works right?

#HowIsHeNotDead? #HowAreWeNotDead? #StarfleetsFinest #HowManyModificationsAreThere #AndHowLikelyAreTheyToKillUs


	11. Sleep Is For The Weak

Kirk: When was the last time you slept?

Spock: *surrounded by data that Does Not Make Sense* I don't need sleep, I need answers.

#OkDramaQueen #YouHaventSleptInFourDays #TheCrewAreTerrified #PleaseSleep


	12. Doctor's Orders

Red Shirt of the Week: Doctor McCoy, I'm missing a limb!

Bones: *exhausted, offering them a flask* here, have some whiskey

#RedShirtOfTheWeek #BonesIsVeryTired #IsHeAllowedToSayThatLegally? #StartingToThinkRedShirtsAreCursed #ExceptScotty #ApparentlyHesImmortal #UhuraAlsoAppearsToBeImmuneToTheCurse 


	13. Xenolinguistics

*anything remotely inconvenient happens*

Uhura: *long string of curse words in at least five different languages*

#FuckItUpUhura #VeryImpressiveButAlsoVeryScary #XenolinguisticsGenius #CantGetToldOffIfNoOneUnderstandsWhatYouSaid


	14. ""Vulcans Don't Have Emotions""

Spock: I don't feel emotions.

Also Spock: *very aggressively* Live long and prosper

#SureYaDontSpock #SassySpock


	15. Safe Trip

Bones: *before Kirk and Spock beam down to a planet* have a safe trip.

Spock: We have little say in the matter, doctor.

Bones: Die then.

#SassyBones #BonesIsVeryTired #TiredOfSpocksShit #LiteralChildren


	16. An Apple A Day ...

When annual physicals are due

Kirk: *running down the corridor, throwing apples behind him* an apple a day keeps the doctor away, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, an apple a day keeps the doctor away–

Bones: *running after him, dodging flying apples* that's not how it works!

#LiteralChildren #BonesIsGonnaKillTheCaptain #BonesIsVeryAngry #GiveBonesABreak #TiredOfKirksShit #WeAllHatePhysicalsButThisIsNextLevel #HaveToAdmireHisDedication #StarfleetsFinest


	17. The Mystery

Kirk: *pointing at the latest Tweet*

Kirk: Alright, who is this? I'm not mad, I just want to know.

*silence*

Chekov: It’s me, sir. I'm sorry –

Kirk: No. It's not you. Bones?

Bones: What? Don’t look at me, look at Spock.

Spock: It's not me. I find exposing our silly antics to the public highly illogical.

Jaylah: Huh, that's weird. How'd you even know about the account? 

Spock: Because I follow it. Also, Jim is showing it to the whole bridge right now.

Jaylah: Suspicious…

Spock: *getting annoyed* It is not. 

Uhura: It must be someone on the bridge. If it matters, Scotty is most active on Twitter.

Scotty: All I post about is engineering, alcohol, and Scotland! Why would I post about you lot? I have a reputation to uphold!

Uhura: Oh really? Then why do you hang out on the bridge all the time when you work in engineering?

Scotty: I'm Second Officer, I have to be on the bridge. Everyone knows that!

Chekov: Let's not fight! I run zee account, Captain.

Kirk: Chekov, it's not you. Now who is it?

Jaylah: Keenser has been awfully quiet … 

Scotty: Keenser doesnae speak English!

Jaylah: Yes but he understands so he can write it out.

Scotty: His weird little alien fingers don't work on phones!

Bones: Sulu, you also haven't said anything.

Sulu: I prefer to stay out of arguments.

Uhura: But you haven't appeared in any Tweets yet.

Sulu: Neither has Jaylah!

Jaylah: You’re turning on me, Sulu?

Everyone: *arguing back and forth*

Kirk: I actually don't care who it is. I think it's hilarious. I just thought everyone could do with a bit of cathartic stress-relieving arguing that won't cause too much drama.

#TheMysteryContinues #YoullNeverKnow #DramaOnTheBridge #ButTheCaptainsRight #ImNotPavel #ButThanksForCoveringForMe #EvenThoughYoureATerribleLiar #APlusForEffortTho


	18. Morse Code Part 1

Spock: *tapping*

Uhura: *tapping back*

Sulu: *tapping rapidly*

Kirk: stop that!

Uhura: stop what?

Kirk: you're talking about me in morse code.

Spock: do you really think we would learn an outdated form of communication just to talk about you, captain?

Kirk: alright, you got me there.

Sulu: *tapping* what an idiot.

#LiteralChildren #TheMorseCodeSaga


	19. Morse Code Part 2

Spock: *tapping*

Uhura: *tapping back furiously*

Bones: ...what's going on?

Sulu: morse code. they're talking.

Spock: -.---/..-.-./-...../-.-...--....-

Uhura: *slams fist on the table* YOU TAKE THAT BACK

#ThisIsHowTheyFight #RelationshipDrama #TheMorseCodeSaga


	20. Morse Code Part 3

Bones: I learnt morse code specifically to insult Spock while Jim is in the room without being told to “play nice”.

#LiteralChildren #BonesIsVeryGrumpy #DoTheyEverStopArguing #InsultsAreHisLoveLanguage #TheCaptainIsTryingHisBest #TheMorseCodeSaga


	21. Synonyms

Uhura: Synonyms are so weird. If I invite you to my cottage in the forest that just sounds nice and cozy. But if I invite you to my cabin in the woods, you're going to die.

Scotty: My favourite is explaining the difference between a 'butt dial' and a 'booty call'. 

Spock: It's called connotations.

Kirk: Try this one on for size – 'Forgive me, Father, I have sinned' versus 'Sorry, Daddy, I've been naughty'.

Bones: Great news, everyone! Language is now banned.

#IThinkWeShouldAllApologiseToBones #WePutHimThroughSoMuch #SorryBones #GiveBonesABreak #TiredOfKirksShit


	22. Bad Luck

Kirk: It seems like bad things keep happening to me. It's as though I have bad luck or something!

Bones: Jim, you don't have bad luck. The reason bad things happen to you is because you're a dumbass.

#IMeanHesRightTho #SorryCaptain #TiredOfKirksShit


	23. Should Have Listened

Kirk: It's times like these where I really wish I listened to what Spock told me.

Bones: Why, what did he tell you?

Kirk: I don't know, I wasn't listening.

#YepThatAboutSumsItUp #PoorMrSpock #TiredOfKirksShit #StarfleetsFinest


	24. Marshmallow Mayhem

Kirk: Hey guys, you think I could fit 15 marshmallows in my mouth?

Bones: You're a hazard to society.

Scotty: And a coward. Do 20.

#HowAreTheySoSmartYetSoDumb #BonesIsVeryTired #ScottyAndKirkShouldNeverBeLeftAloneTogether #TheyJustEnableEachOthersDumbassery #KirkDidDo20ButEndedUpChoking #StarfleetsFinest


	25. Spock's Favourite

Chekov: Of course I'm Meester Spock’s favourite. I am zee youngest.

Kirk: I'm his best friend! He likes me more!

Uhura: I’m his girlfriend. That makes me his favourite.

Scotty: Yeah well– ... Actually it's probably not me.

Bones: I don't care.

Kirk: Spock, who's your favourite?

Spock: *not even looking up from his PADD* Sulu.

#ThatsBecauseHeDoesntGetInvolvedInArguments #ButNowKirkIsJustGlaringAtSulu #AndNotSpeakingToSpock #DramaOnTheBridge #IThinkScottyJustStressesSpockTFOut


	26. Freakshow

Bones: Ugh, you're lucky you're all geniuses because I would have sold you all to a freakshow by now.

Jaylah: What's a freakshow?

Bones: Our crew but people pay to see it.

#IStillThinkWeShouldAllApologiseToBones #GiveBonesABreak 


	27. Shore Leave Safety Brief

Kirk: Alright everyone listen up! Shore leave safety brief!

Bones: Yes thank you, Jim, I'll take it from here because this applies to you too.

Bones: Don't add to the population *pointed glare at Kirk*

Bones: Don't subtract from the population. Stay out of the hospital, the newspaper and jail *pointed glare at Scotty*

Bones: But if – and please don't – you  _ do _ end up in jail–

Jaylah: Establish dominance quickly!

*Everyone nodding in agreement and dispersing*

Bones: No! That's not… Get back here!

#PoorBones #GiveBonesABreak #BonesIsVeryTired #TheCrewShareASingleBraincell #ItsBonesTurnToday #StarfleetsFinest 


	28. The Shore Leave Incident 1

Officer: Tell me your names.

Chekov: Don't tell him anything, Meester Scott!

Officer: *writes down Mr Scott*

Scotty: Chekov, you idiot!

Officer: *writes down Chekov*

#CantBelieveTheyActuallyGotArrested #ButOutOfEveryoneTheyAreTheMostLikely #ICanPracticallySeeBonesBloodPressureRising #BonesIsVeryStressed #StarfleetsFinest #TheShoreLeaveIncident


	29. The Shore Leave Incident 2

Bones: You're very sick, Jim. Your temperature is 104.

Kirk: If I was sick, could I do this?

Kirk: *stares at Bones*

Bones: … What are you doing?

Kirk: Cartwheels. Am I not doing them?

Bones: No.

#SickKirkIsFunnyAF #ThatsWhatYouGetForTouchingUnknownPlants #AlwaysConsultSuluBeforeTouchingUnknownPlants #BonesIsVeryStressed #GiveBonesABreak #TheShoreLeaveIncident


	30. Claustrophobic

Bones: *to Spock* Can you not stand so close? You're making me claustrophobic.

Jaylah: What's claustrophobic?

Kirk: *smirking* It means he's afraid of Santa Claus.

Bones: NO IT DOES N-

Jaylah: HO HO HO!

Chekov: *near tears* STOP IT YOU’RE SCARING HIM!

#PavelYouKnowBetterThanThis #KirkYouLittleShit #TiredOfKirksShit #StarfleetsFinest


	31. Blackout

*power goes out*

Bones: Dammit, it's dark.

Chekov: Don't worry Meester Bones I've got zees.

Chekov: *stomps feet*

*sketchers light up*

#YouTriedPavel #APlusForEffort 


	32. The Floor Is Lava

Chekov: ZEE FLOOR IS LAVA!

Chekov: *sits on top the back of his chair, his feet on the seat*

Scotty and Kirk: *leap onto the Captain’s chair*

Jaylah: *jumps onto one of the control panels, crouching on the edge like a gargoyle*

Uhura: *calmly tucks her legs under her and continues working*

Bones: *sighs and sits on the edge of the control panel, his feet barely dangling off the ground*

Sulu: *simply lifts his feet*

Spock: *as Keenser climbs him like a tree* Captain, we need to discuss your maturity.

Kirk: Bold words for a man standing in lava.

#WeAreAdultsISwear #GottaPassTheTimeSomehow #TheOnlyReasonBonesJoinedInWasSoKirkWouldntBugHim #KeenserEndedUpOnSpocksShoulder #LikeAPirateAndHisParrot #StarfleetsFinest


End file.
